I see you in between spaces of darkness.
Yesterday, a series of (unfortunate) events had me walking along the stretch of Manila Bay. Alone. It was impossibly depressing. I was going from building G to a seemingly unattainable A.
It was pretty packed for a Thursday night — the sea wall was lined with a medley of lovers. Young, old, girl-girl, man-man, dog-dog. And it wasn’t exactly that that depressed me. It wasn’t the notion of not having someone. It also wasn’t the melancholy of acoustic sets, nor the pressure of darkness. I don’t know what it was, really. I’m thinking, it was the fruit of my streak of Bad Decisions. Or the fact that I can’t seem to reach anybody’s expectations. Or that I was just really, really hungry and exhausted. Possibly, it was everything all at once — a line of thought leading to an inevitable plethora of things to be sad about.
Just as I was about to free fall towards the Point of No Return, the restaurant I had been searching for came into view. And just like that, everything I was thinking about disappeared into (fake?) smiles.
Truth is, I hate that I keep on selling myself short.
I will also not admit this anywhere else (i.e. IRL, face-to-face).
Mostly, I like forgetting about people.
Note that it’s not just a simple tendency to let them slip out of my mind. But a certain habit.
On the Hunger Games
It’s been some days since I was last really online. Our lines are all (still really) messed up, and that’s the long and short of it. In my online downtime I was busy mulling over whether I should start reading The Hunger Games, a book which I’ve bought weeks ago (September!). And I did. I started reading it last Thursday, because I was so bored and I haven’t had any classes and I just really wanted to do something. It kind of makes me feel bad that I pushed it down as an almost last resort. But hey, it kept me up until about 3 in the morning and it was a good thing my class started at 1.
The plan was to read it and wait for the paperback version of Catching Fire (because I am poor and I bought the first one paperback and I want consistency). But as plans go, what I did instead was scour the WWW for an illegal pdf copy (whilst hyperventilating and over-thinking). It wasn’t hard at all, seeing as it’s so popular and all. Catching Fire had such a resounding cliffhanger. It really did. It haunted me, clawing at my mind, the characters just eating away at my thoughts. The last few sentences was just on repeat and I decided to just go right on and download Mockingjay.
And as all good books do to me, I am in the long long phase of thinking things over and obsessing over the Trilogy. The Hunger Games is officially on the surprisingly narrow list of things-I-should-have-done-during-the-sembreak.
This is not a review.
This makes for really good TV.
I hate that when I get into a conversation about my academic life now, I feel like such a failure. Like, when I tell them about how I’m from BS Math and I’m taking up Interior Design now. It always feels like I failed along the way. Like I failed everyone and all they’re wearing now are disappointed glances.
“Certificate course lang yan diba?”
“Hindi na kailangan ng board.”
“Bakit ka nagshift! Sayang talino mo.”
“Inaaral pa ba yan? Two year course lang yan eh!”
I don’t know why I never have the guts to tell them that ID was a conscious choice. Truth is, I never really felt comfortable in all those quiz bees and shit. It always felt like it was something I had to do for them. It is tedious in the way that I’m forcing myself to like something I don’t.
I chose this, okay. I chose this.
In my mind, I’m in this parallel universe and I am living the life I’ve always wanted. In my mind, I’m wondering why it always has to be that way.
I Don’t Trust Myself John Mayer
My sincerest apologies and unending sarcasm
Mostly, I am mad at myself. Mad, for thinking the way that I do and never letting anyone know. I know I have only myself to blame.
I concede.
